5 tips to being a better and more sane parent

Overall, one of key tenets of parenting that I've learned is that whatever technique is right for you is the right way to do it.  I've seen people get more judgmental than Simon Cowell when it comes to formula feeding and sleep training.  Basically, I would treat these topics like politics, religion, and coprophagia - consider them off limits unless you're at a convention, place of worship, or a dog park.  But these are simply some items that will help you maintain your sleep-deprived sanity through your children's formative years.   Besides, I guarantee you're doing it better than these people below.

Plastic bags aren't sustainable

How else are they going to learn about edges?

Relax.  It's chained and probably asleep.

1) iPhone (a Droid might get you by... barely).  You basically need a robust app store, since the smartphone is the Swiss Army Knife of our time.  Speaking of which, aren't the Swiss supposed to be a neutral power?  Why is there a multi-faceted killing tool named after them?  I can only assume that they are one of the few countries whose army could open, awl, corkscrew, or fishscale you to death.   A more detailed post on why the iPhone makes you a better dad is forthcoming, but where else can you have the entire Wiggles music library, interactive storybooks, WebMD to encourage your hypochondriac tendencies, cloud-based note taking and reminders, and quick reference to all the clean bathrooms near you in one beautiful package?


2) Mancave.  This can be metaphorical or literal.  But we all need something to feel like an adult amidst all the irrational reasoning you have to do in toddler logic.  This is ultimately a snark release valve where you can talk and think like you were still an undergrad.  Think Fantasy Football, poker, adult league sports, and golf.  Personally, my mancave quest is to find the end of the internet. 

3) Wood toys.  Most of the toys out there are the equivalent of weed encased in plastic with a microchip, just meant to stupefy your kids while you get tasks done.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but in order to stimulate their imagination more than Dora speaking to them like they're on the short bus, they need to be able to create some unprompted internal dialogue...  to be able to pretend without electronic cue cards. 

4) Awesome spouse.  Parenting is ultimately more easily done as a team sport (props to all the single parents out there).  Whether it's backing each other's play up or being the best tag team duo since the Rock n' Roll Express. Check out their underrated highlights from an amazing career in the NWA and WWE here.  I guarantee that there will come a time where you find yourself raising your voice and being on the razor's edge of a meltdown, that's when you tag out and your partner comes in with a ring-clearing sequence or joins you for a double drop-kick (1:19) so you can take a nap or a trip to your proverbial mancave.  In all reality, depending on need, I usually take the kids when they're awake on weekends from 7-9am to let her sleep in a little while longer to recharge her batteries, and she knows that when I zonk next to my son during naptime, it's always planned and never by accident.


5) New friends with kids.  Not a knock on my old friends by any stretch of the imagination since by this life stage, all of your existing friends are keepers, but you need to be able to talk about spit up, poop, food allergies, lack of sleep, lack of social life, breast feeding, only seeing kids' movies, local kid friendly outings, and tips & techniques with people who get it.  Your friends with dogs just aren't quite on the same wavelength (through no fault of their own) but let's face it: dogs and kids are not the same conversation.  You know how I know?  My kid has never licked his own butthole.


Obviously, none of this is revolutionary but when's the last time you've seen a washed up wrestling tag team analogy worked in so seamlessly into parenting advice?

A little about me and this blog...

I'm never going to win Father of the Year... unless Failblog.org starts giving out parenting awards. In all seriousness though, like many of you - I'm learning as I go along and having a great time doing it (for the most part) and throughout the process, I'll provide fodder for your voyeuristic enjoyment. Being a child of the 80's, some of my key filters in how I view the world are:


For parenting: "What would Philip Drummond do in the situation?"
- I get a little frustrated when big problems don't get resolved in 30 minutes with a nicely packaged moral at the end. Also, I'm still working on my catchphrase. The tentative one is "Control-Z! Control-Z!" But I'm open to suggestions.

For gadgets: "What does Steve Jobs command me to buy next?"

- Currently, I want to buy an iPad, but I don't know what I'd use it for. Guess there's only one way to find out! Unless Steve Jobs is into reading newly started parent/gadget/food blogs, in which case - Steve, your black turtlenecks are stunning. If you'd like a favorable yet ostensibly unbiased review of the iPad that will reach approximately a dozen readers (give or take 10), please send me one. As the classic advertising quote goes, "Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half."


For food: "Butter, Bacon, and Deep Frying make everything better"
- To be clear, I can also appreciate higher end cuisine even at places where the required dress is more formal than my typical daily "basketball casual" ensembles. I consider myself a foodie. I also consider myself dashingly handsome, so take that for what it's worth.


For knowledge: "If knowing is half the battle, what's the other half?"
- I think the other half is unmanned weaponry, stealth technology, and seeding land-to-air missiles to rebel forces but not supporting their cause after the skirmish is over.


For love: "Why am I so attracted to Tigra, Sunny Gummi, and Smurfette despite them being animated... and not human?"
- I prefer not to go into detail on this one.

Parents can be a little stuffy sometimes

Check out my contest entry for Parenting.com - the official request was to leave a brilliant/funny/moving/off-the-wall comment in response to: "What’s your best tip for saving money on back-to-school supplies?"  For context, the preceding comment was:

Submitted by orangeian on August 3 2010 - 11:53am.

Don't wait until back to school time.  If you see something on sale/clearance, buy it then.  That way you can spread out the expense over the year.  And pay attention to sales fliers.

and the subsequent one read:

Submitted by nikjo03 on August 3 2010 - 12:30pm.

First is to cut any and all coupons i can get my hands on.  If you are willing to drive to a few different stores then i make a list depending on what deals any of the stores are offering.  To save even more if you can stock up when stores start to clearance out the school supplies and have most of your list for next year already done!

A tad trite, no?  In fact, 119 out of 120 comments were all essentially the same.  For the 120th, I thought I'd latch onto the "off-the-wall" criteria in the contest description and apply my marketing knowledge in creating a point of differentiation with my comment.  Take a gander, won't you?

Submitted by Me on August 3 2010 - 12:17pm.

The best way to save on school supplies is like with most other things.  Make them yourself.  It's really quite simple, you just need some creativity, discipline, and a little MacGyver-brand elbow grease.

For example, in order to make a pencil, all you need is a twig from a spruce tree, and access to a graphite-clay composites.  Just bore a hole longitudinally through the center of the twig (be careful not to break it!) and fill with the composite.  Depending on if you prefer a standard #2 pencil versus a 2.5 or a 3, be sure to vary the composite ratio accordingly and voila! homemade pencils for everyone!

You would probably think that making a pen would be far more challenging since it's made out of synthetic materials... or is it?  At its most basic form, a pen is simply an ink delivery vehicle.  And what's the most efficient at deliverying ink in nature?  That's right!  The Octopus.  Just go grab an octopus from the ocean (don't try to capture the one from the local aquarium, it turns out that is frowned upon).  I prefer species octopus vulgaris for its beautiful, rich purple/black ink.  Then "milk" the octopus with a standard rattlesnake milking apparatus and reserve the ink.  Afterwards, trap a primary flight bird and pluck a dozen or so quills.  Lastly, use capillary action to get the ink into the individual quills.  You're done, and this turns out to be a seamless segue to discussing the technology during the era of our founding fathers with your child as well.  It's the gift that keeps on giving!
Enjoy!

I'm hoping I win the grand prize of $100 worth of Bic Pens.  That'd be some good affirmation for further commentbombs.

FOTY