5 tips to being a better and more sane parent

Overall, one of key tenets of parenting that I've learned is that whatever technique is right for you is the right way to do it.  I've seen people get more judgmental than Simon Cowell when it comes to formula feeding and sleep training.  Basically, I would treat these topics like politics, religion, and coprophagia - consider them off limits unless you're at a convention, place of worship, or a dog park.  But these are simply some items that will help you maintain your sleep-deprived sanity through your children's formative years.   Besides, I guarantee you're doing it better than these people below.

Plastic bags aren't sustainable

How else are they going to learn about edges?

Relax.  It's chained and probably asleep.

1) iPhone (a Droid might get you by... barely).  You basically need a robust app store, since the smartphone is the Swiss Army Knife of our time.  Speaking of which, aren't the Swiss supposed to be a neutral power?  Why is there a multi-faceted killing tool named after them?  I can only assume that they are one of the few countries whose army could open, awl, corkscrew, or fishscale you to death.   A more detailed post on why the iPhone makes you a better dad is forthcoming, but where else can you have the entire Wiggles music library, interactive storybooks, WebMD to encourage your hypochondriac tendencies, cloud-based note taking and reminders, and quick reference to all the clean bathrooms near you in one beautiful package?


2) Mancave.  This can be metaphorical or literal.  But we all need something to feel like an adult amidst all the irrational reasoning you have to do in toddler logic.  This is ultimately a snark release valve where you can talk and think like you were still an undergrad.  Think Fantasy Football, poker, adult league sports, and golf.  Personally, my mancave quest is to find the end of the internet. 

3) Wood toys.  Most of the toys out there are the equivalent of weed encased in plastic with a microchip, just meant to stupefy your kids while you get tasks done.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but in order to stimulate their imagination more than Dora speaking to them like they're on the short bus, they need to be able to create some unprompted internal dialogue...  to be able to pretend without electronic cue cards. 

4) Awesome spouse.  Parenting is ultimately more easily done as a team sport (props to all the single parents out there).  Whether it's backing each other's play up or being the best tag team duo since the Rock n' Roll Express. Check out their underrated highlights from an amazing career in the NWA and WWE here.  I guarantee that there will come a time where you find yourself raising your voice and being on the razor's edge of a meltdown, that's when you tag out and your partner comes in with a ring-clearing sequence or joins you for a double drop-kick (1:19) so you can take a nap or a trip to your proverbial mancave.  In all reality, depending on need, I usually take the kids when they're awake on weekends from 7-9am to let her sleep in a little while longer to recharge her batteries, and she knows that when I zonk next to my son during naptime, it's always planned and never by accident.


5) New friends with kids.  Not a knock on my old friends by any stretch of the imagination since by this life stage, all of your existing friends are keepers, but you need to be able to talk about spit up, poop, food allergies, lack of sleep, lack of social life, breast feeding, only seeing kids' movies, local kid friendly outings, and tips & techniques with people who get it.  Your friends with dogs just aren't quite on the same wavelength (through no fault of their own) but let's face it: dogs and kids are not the same conversation.  You know how I know?  My kid has never licked his own butthole.


Obviously, none of this is revolutionary but when's the last time you've seen a washed up wrestling tag team analogy worked in so seamlessly into parenting advice?