"Got ______?" Moratorium

I'm reminded of a great Tony Sorprano quote when he was annoyed with a conversation that was waxing nostalgic as he dismissed Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri and Peter "Beansie" Gaeta with "'Remember when?...' is the lowest form of conversation."  And since I play a marketing expert on TV, I hereby decree "Got _____?" to the be the lowest form of marketing and ask those of you that have found and replaced the direct object in the great campaign by the Milk Processor's Board in the early 90's with your own product's category to please stop.  Please.  For the love of creativity.

The reason why this campaign worked so well was due to its simplicity.  The facile tagline "Got Milk?" served as a great reminder for milk drinkers and purchasers to make sure they weren't out of milk in their fridge and as a reminder to those lapsed consumers that milk should be part of their beverage consideration set.  For the first few years, the simplicity of these messages translated to other categories effortlessly and it was easy for smaller companies to have a memorable message simply by riding on the coattails of a highly memorable and effective campaign.  I have no qualms about this, but what had started in 1995 had ballooned to Mad Libian proportions.  Let us review what else was influential in 1995 that have since been mercifully taken out to the metaphorical pasture and had its metaphorical brains blown out:

1) The Year of Not Crazy Mel Gibson

In 1995, Mel Gibson took home Oscars for Best Film and Best Director.  He was the Brad Pitt of the 90's where girls wanted to sleep with him and guys wanted to be his friend (due in no small part to his breakout performance in Lethal Weapon and the Mad Max series).  But a few anti-semitic remarks combined with measuring the bosom brix content of law enforcement as well as allegedly threatening his mail order wife has landed him in the lowest of Q-scores, on par with Kip Drordy. 

"Prima Nocte my ars!"

Did he make up "Sugar#@!s?"  I've seriously never heard of that one before.

 

 Bonus: Play the "Find Mel Gibson Game"!

Keep looking...

Agent Smith

Video game and meat cologne salesman

Baron von Munchausen

2) Top Song - Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio

1995: In the hood, we refer to the animal on his shoulder as a "ghetto bird."

2010: Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage... to Irrelevanceville.

3) Popular Website Design
Websites that launched in the mid-90's, while progressive at the time look like a templates from Powerpoint 03.  I think pictures speak louder than words... especially if the words start with a "Got" and ends with a question mark.  Can we just agree to move on?

Here is further proof that the "Got _____?" mnemonic falls on deaf ears: do a Google search on the most asinine categories and more likely than not, it will be seriously represented.  Witness the following unabashed members of the Got _____? golden circle (compiled by the Milk Processor Board themselves):

 And last but not least, I leave with you my #1 marketing rule of thumb.  If Hemorrhoids are doing it, you need to move on.

That's a word that just looks weird when you spell it out.

Do you have any honorable mention slogans that should be put out of their misery?  I'd like to nominate "ordinary to extraordinary" next.

Sign Hacks

Please send any pics with funny mistranslanted captions.  For example, I took this pic in a public bathroom (for comedy's sake and definitely not for anything that would trigger Chris Hansen to unexpectedly pop out) and thought the translation could be just as plausible as the actual use based on the illustration.  Let's use our collective hivemind and get some more hilarious ones.  I'll post the creme de la half dozen and I'll find some sort of interesting bacon-based prize for the funniest submission.

Once we get a bunch more, I'll get my brother to start a site that we'll eventually sell to the cheezburger network!

"Press button, dispense bacon"

FOTY

Immutable Laws of the Garage Sale from a data point of 1

Homes are a lot like belly buttons, it's seemingly impossible how much junk accumulates in them.  And every decade or so, you should really clean them out.  So my family (including my stinky navel) decided to do a purge of every CD, broken or neglected electronic device, outgrown and overstained baby contraption that was taking up space in our garage, attic, and minds.  Fortunately, a local real estate agent organizes and sponsors a neighborhood garage sale every year where he advertises in the local paper on our behalf.  We finally decided to participate this year since we finally ran out of room in garage to the point where we could not  park our son's trike, let alone our sensible family SUV.
So here are my recommendations for a successful foray into the land of the bazaar:

1) Decide up front what the goal of the garage sale is.  Is it to unload junk that you were otherwise going to throw away or donate?  Or is it to make money?  This way you can determine your negotiation range for your items considering whether you are looking for cash flow or fat margins.  In general, you should be looking at ebay or more of niche community if you want top dollar. 

2) Embrace "Coopetition," in terms of garage sales, this is where similar vendors will geographically aggregate in order to draw more buyers than they could alone.  Overall, individual sellers will likely benefit with increased foot traffic despite greater competition, think of your local furniture district, art district, and even Vegas...  I doubt I would fly out there if there was just a room with 1 cocktail waitress, a craps table and a poker table even though that's essentially my Vegas world.  Actually, who am I kidding - I'd still go as long as there were still $2.99 lobster and prime rib somewhere in the aforementioned room.  So although this was done for us, I would highly recommend getting into cahoots with your neighbors (this also goes a long way in "mentioning" the increased traffic during the day of your sale).  Also, be sure to invite your friends to set up shop as well.  When I don't know what I want to eat, I'm more likely to stop at a Jack n the Box because of the variety instead of a Taco Bell.  I mean, where else can you get American, "Mexican," "Asian," and "Pre-diabetic" cuisine all under one roof?  This applies to the garage sale as well.  Potential buyers will only stop their car if they deem it worthwhile as they are rolling along at 5 mph.  As much as you can, follow the age old retail adage: "Pile it high and let it fly!"

3) Showstoppers.  You need quality, or clear showstoppers if you don't have the visible-from-the-street quantity of merchandise.  About 50% more people stopped after I made a big sign declaring that we had a previous generation iPod nano and DVD player for sale.  In addition, we also had our dining set set up as an exact replica of the Showcase showdown in the Price is Right.

"Mr Barker, congratulations on behalf of the PIR Berkeley Fan Club on winning the Daintiest Microphone of the year award!"

I was thinking about going as far as wheeling out my 4 year old (and never used) mountain bike with a $50 price tag on it, with SOLD in 9 point font in order to get drivers to stop at our sale.

4) Scrub what you're selling.  That goes for tables and chairs with caked on baby food, as well as old pictures from digital cameras.  I'm not sure what a stranger would do with old, drunk photos of me with sharpie-drawn illustrations on my passed-out face, but I'd prefer not to find out, especially considering I'm in the highly venerable field of blogging now.

5) Know your customer.  From a reseller at flea markets to a gadget macgyver who likes to tinker, we had every age and ethnicity come by.  We also had a good number of families, so have something for everyone.  Small baby toys for small babies and moms, DVDs for everyone, electronics for men, and candles for teens/gay couples.

6) Price everything high.  Just like in Negotations 101, the price tag is only a starting point.  It's just part of the territory.  Your goal of the garage sale should dictate how much you want to negotiate, but truth be told, we were looking at the process like people paying us to haul stuff away for us that would have gone to Goodwill anyways.   Our highest ticket item was a dining room set from IKEA for $40 that was taking up half of our garage for 4 months.  If it hadn't sold by the end of the day, I was planning on making the dining room set a free bonus with the purchase of a DVD or a pair of baby socks.  Remember - you can always go down but you can't go up.

7) Be up front.  These people know where you live.  I sold a 15 year old subwoofer that I was going to throw away for a couple of bucks with a sign that read "Infinity Subwoofer.  Not sure if it works.  $5"  Ultimately, it's the same thing as choosing Door #3 in Let's Make a Deal.  There's a sense of adventure you can't get trolling the aisles of Costco.  Part of garage sales is gambling and evidentally, $5 was worth buying the scratch-off where the coin rubbing the latex ink was plugging the component in at home. 

8) Bundling.  Throwing in a free DVD of The Matrix Revolutions (the worst by far of the trilogy) has much more perceived value than the $2 I was planning on selling it to you for and made the DVD player seem like a much better deal.  Why else do you think AquaFresh has distinct colors for the three benefits of their toothpaste.  I'm not a toothpastologist, but I would pretty much guarantee that red, white, and aquamarine are not the intrinsic colors of the active ingredients for healthy gums, strong teeth, and fresh breath.  But it sure visually indicates that you are getting 3 for 1 in your toothpaste purchase.  What a value!

9) Sell drinks.  Chances are, you'll have your garage sale on a nice day weather-wise.  You can get soda for 25 cents a can and can sell them for at least 50 cents.  Nearly every manufacturer on earth would sell their first and second-born for a 50% margin.  And if you know of any other ones that have higher margins, please email me.  I need to invest in my childrens' 529 college fund (stay tuned for another article to come later).  In addition, people get thirsty, and the more they lollygag around your wares while sipping a refreshing beverage on a warm day, the more likely they see something they'll spend a few bucks on.

Overall, the garage sale was a resounding success where we met some of the neighbors, freed up space in our garage, and we made a couple hundred dollars that I could use to buy rubbing alcohol and Q-tips for my belly button.

5 tips to being a better and more sane parent

Overall, one of key tenets of parenting that I've learned is that whatever technique is right for you is the right way to do it.  I've seen people get more judgmental than Simon Cowell when it comes to formula feeding and sleep training.  Basically, I would treat these topics like politics, religion, and coprophagia - consider them off limits unless you're at a convention, place of worship, or a dog park.  But these are simply some items that will help you maintain your sleep-deprived sanity through your children's formative years.   Besides, I guarantee you're doing it better than these people below.

Plastic bags aren't sustainable

How else are they going to learn about edges?

Relax.  It's chained and probably asleep.

1) iPhone (a Droid might get you by... barely).  You basically need a robust app store, since the smartphone is the Swiss Army Knife of our time.  Speaking of which, aren't the Swiss supposed to be a neutral power?  Why is there a multi-faceted killing tool named after them?  I can only assume that they are one of the few countries whose army could open, awl, corkscrew, or fishscale you to death.   A more detailed post on why the iPhone makes you a better dad is forthcoming, but where else can you have the entire Wiggles music library, interactive storybooks, WebMD to encourage your hypochondriac tendencies, cloud-based note taking and reminders, and quick reference to all the clean bathrooms near you in one beautiful package?


2) Mancave.  This can be metaphorical or literal.  But we all need something to feel like an adult amidst all the irrational reasoning you have to do in toddler logic.  This is ultimately a snark release valve where you can talk and think like you were still an undergrad.  Think Fantasy Football, poker, adult league sports, and golf.  Personally, my mancave quest is to find the end of the internet. 

3) Wood toys.  Most of the toys out there are the equivalent of weed encased in plastic with a microchip, just meant to stupefy your kids while you get tasks done.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but in order to stimulate their imagination more than Dora speaking to them like they're on the short bus, they need to be able to create some unprompted internal dialogue...  to be able to pretend without electronic cue cards. 

4) Awesome spouse.  Parenting is ultimately more easily done as a team sport (props to all the single parents out there).  Whether it's backing each other's play up or being the best tag team duo since the Rock n' Roll Express. Check out their underrated highlights from an amazing career in the NWA and WWE here.  I guarantee that there will come a time where you find yourself raising your voice and being on the razor's edge of a meltdown, that's when you tag out and your partner comes in with a ring-clearing sequence or joins you for a double drop-kick (1:19) so you can take a nap or a trip to your proverbial mancave.  In all reality, depending on need, I usually take the kids when they're awake on weekends from 7-9am to let her sleep in a little while longer to recharge her batteries, and she knows that when I zonk next to my son during naptime, it's always planned and never by accident.


5) New friends with kids.  Not a knock on my old friends by any stretch of the imagination since by this life stage, all of your existing friends are keepers, but you need to be able to talk about spit up, poop, food allergies, lack of sleep, lack of social life, breast feeding, only seeing kids' movies, local kid friendly outings, and tips & techniques with people who get it.  Your friends with dogs just aren't quite on the same wavelength (through no fault of their own) but let's face it: dogs and kids are not the same conversation.  You know how I know?  My kid has never licked his own butthole.


Obviously, none of this is revolutionary but when's the last time you've seen a washed up wrestling tag team analogy worked in so seamlessly into parenting advice?

A little about me and this blog...

I'm never going to win Father of the Year... unless Failblog.org starts giving out parenting awards. In all seriousness though, like many of you - I'm learning as I go along and having a great time doing it (for the most part) and throughout the process, I'll provide fodder for your voyeuristic enjoyment. Being a child of the 80's, some of my key filters in how I view the world are:


For parenting: "What would Philip Drummond do in the situation?"
- I get a little frustrated when big problems don't get resolved in 30 minutes with a nicely packaged moral at the end. Also, I'm still working on my catchphrase. The tentative one is "Control-Z! Control-Z!" But I'm open to suggestions.

For gadgets: "What does Steve Jobs command me to buy next?"

- Currently, I want to buy an iPad, but I don't know what I'd use it for. Guess there's only one way to find out! Unless Steve Jobs is into reading newly started parent/gadget/food blogs, in which case - Steve, your black turtlenecks are stunning. If you'd like a favorable yet ostensibly unbiased review of the iPad that will reach approximately a dozen readers (give or take 10), please send me one. As the classic advertising quote goes, "Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don’t know which half."


For food: "Butter, Bacon, and Deep Frying make everything better"
- To be clear, I can also appreciate higher end cuisine even at places where the required dress is more formal than my typical daily "basketball casual" ensembles. I consider myself a foodie. I also consider myself dashingly handsome, so take that for what it's worth.


For knowledge: "If knowing is half the battle, what's the other half?"
- I think the other half is unmanned weaponry, stealth technology, and seeding land-to-air missiles to rebel forces but not supporting their cause after the skirmish is over.


For love: "Why am I so attracted to Tigra, Sunny Gummi, and Smurfette despite them being animated... and not human?"
- I prefer not to go into detail on this one.

Parents can be a little stuffy sometimes

Check out my contest entry for Parenting.com - the official request was to leave a brilliant/funny/moving/off-the-wall comment in response to: "What’s your best tip for saving money on back-to-school supplies?"  For context, the preceding comment was:

Submitted by orangeian on August 3 2010 - 11:53am.

Don't wait until back to school time.  If you see something on sale/clearance, buy it then.  That way you can spread out the expense over the year.  And pay attention to sales fliers.

and the subsequent one read:

Submitted by nikjo03 on August 3 2010 - 12:30pm.

First is to cut any and all coupons i can get my hands on.  If you are willing to drive to a few different stores then i make a list depending on what deals any of the stores are offering.  To save even more if you can stock up when stores start to clearance out the school supplies and have most of your list for next year already done!

A tad trite, no?  In fact, 119 out of 120 comments were all essentially the same.  For the 120th, I thought I'd latch onto the "off-the-wall" criteria in the contest description and apply my marketing knowledge in creating a point of differentiation with my comment.  Take a gander, won't you?

Submitted by Me on August 3 2010 - 12:17pm.

The best way to save on school supplies is like with most other things.  Make them yourself.  It's really quite simple, you just need some creativity, discipline, and a little MacGyver-brand elbow grease.

For example, in order to make a pencil, all you need is a twig from a spruce tree, and access to a graphite-clay composites.  Just bore a hole longitudinally through the center of the twig (be careful not to break it!) and fill with the composite.  Depending on if you prefer a standard #2 pencil versus a 2.5 or a 3, be sure to vary the composite ratio accordingly and voila! homemade pencils for everyone!

You would probably think that making a pen would be far more challenging since it's made out of synthetic materials... or is it?  At its most basic form, a pen is simply an ink delivery vehicle.  And what's the most efficient at deliverying ink in nature?  That's right!  The Octopus.  Just go grab an octopus from the ocean (don't try to capture the one from the local aquarium, it turns out that is frowned upon).  I prefer species octopus vulgaris for its beautiful, rich purple/black ink.  Then "milk" the octopus with a standard rattlesnake milking apparatus and reserve the ink.  Afterwards, trap a primary flight bird and pluck a dozen or so quills.  Lastly, use capillary action to get the ink into the individual quills.  You're done, and this turns out to be a seamless segue to discussing the technology during the era of our founding fathers with your child as well.  It's the gift that keeps on giving!
Enjoy!

I'm hoping I win the grand prize of $100 worth of Bic Pens.  That'd be some good affirmation for further commentbombs.

FOTY